To many people, this blog post may be seen as one that is not needed due to common sense. And although the topic of consent is related to common sense, not a lot of people understand it or know the variations of consent. In fact, based off an annual sex survey conducted by The Rooster in January 2017, it was discovered that readers of the site seemed "to be confused about what consent means and when to seek it". 44 percent of the survey respondents said they only seek consent during a one night stand, assuming it's automatically "implied once a relationship begins" - when it's not. On top of that, 24 percent of people reported that they thought consent "amounted to no more than body language that implied sexual readiness" such as sitting or walking a certain way, licking one's lips, or touching someone's arm. Where these actions can play a role in consent, they're not definitive in what consent is nor the only determinants in consent.
This blog post serves the purpose of not ridiculing one who may not fully understand the various forms of consent but informing and educating them so respect is always in practice, comfort is always given in and out of sexual activities, and most importantly, to avoid sexual assault.
If you're reading this blog post and thinking to yourself "I already know how to consent and what consent is", that's awesome and I'm proud of you! However, it doesn't hurt to read a 7 minute post on what consent looks like, sounds like, and how to give it for both your knowledge and the possible dispersement of it to others such as your significant other, parents, family, friends, and more.
Before we go into depth on consent, let's first define what exactly "consent" is, find out the types of consent, and go over a list on the variety of sexual acts.
What is "consent"?
According to the The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), consent is "an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity". There are many ways to give consent which will be discussed further throughout this post. Consent doesn't have to just be verbal but verbally agreeing to different sexual activities can help both you and your partner respect each other's boundaries.
What are the different types of consent and how can you navigate them?
According to The Rooster, there are 5 types of sexual consent and the information accompanied by each one are the means of navigating them (*the following information is taken from The Rooster article hyperlinked above*):
Verbal or expressed consent
What it is: Using words to confirm you want something. Expressed consent is unmistakably stated verbally, rather than implied.
How it's given: Through speech or writing.
Example(s): "I want to have sex with you tonight." or "I want you to go down on me."
Caveats: Albeit verbal or expressed consent is meant to be overwhelmingly obvious, a large problem that can occur with expressed consent is sometimes people say they want something when they actually don't. An example of this is someone who is being constantly pestered to have sex saying "yes" just to "get the person off their back" - not because they genuinely want to, but because they can't take the pressure anymore and want it to end.
So - how do you get around that?
Body language.
Which leads us to our next type of consent...
Implied consent
What it is: Consent that is implied by a person's actions or body language - not granted verbally.
How it's given: Physically, and preferably in person.
Examples: One MAJOR thing to keep in mind is that consent can never be implied through a single instance of body language - somebody intensely making out with you does not necessarily mean they want to have sex with you. However, implied consent is body language - it's just not the full picture or the only determining factor in any sexual act.
Caveats: Body language is objectively interpreted - whereas one person might see sitting on someone's lap at a party as non-sexual and platonic, another might interpret that as a "come-on" or permission to sexually touch that person.
Pay attention to your partner - if their body is relaxed, actively participating, oriented towards you, and they visibly and objectively seem to be enjoying themselves, these are good signs. If they are tense, covering their face, non-responsive, unconscious, or "dead-fishing it", these are signs what you're doing is probably unwanted and you need to stop. It may sound like the most obvious thing in the world with the clear differences in body language but it's EXTREMELY important to highlight these situations for the reason that under certain scenarios, people might verbally agree to sex that they don't actually want.
Two things that do not count as implied consent are: vaginal lubrication or erections. Whereas both physiological processes are normal and can take place when arousal is heightened, these physiological processes can take place in the absence of arousal and just as a part of a normal, bodily process. Neither is definitively indicative that someone wants to engage in a sexual act with you.
FACT: many female rape victims report becoming heavily lubricated during their rape - a sad and disturbing finding that does not, in any way, shape, or form, imply the assault was wanted. Rather, the heavy lubrication is a stress response the body enacts in order to deal more effectively with trauma.
And how do you get around that?
ASK FOR VERBAL CONSENT.
Verbal and implied consent go hand-in-hand.
Enthusiastic consent
What it is: When you really want something.
How it's given: Can be implied or expressed.
Example: "I really want you to blindfold me and tie me to the bed posts."
Dr. Marlene Wasserman, a clinical sexologist and contemporary intimacy specialist, states that enthusiastic consent "advocates for enthusiastic agreement to sexual rather than passive agreement". Generally, enthusiastic consent represents an important paradigm shift that requires open communication between the people engaging in a sexual act - you have to talk to someone to know just how much they're into a particular act. Enthusiastic consent is important because it's more sex-positive than expressed or implied consent. By conveying the degree to which someone wants a sexual act to happen, they're communicating not just about whether they like something, but how much they like it, how much they want it, why, and how they want it done. Enthusiastic consent should be seen as a breakdown in the barrier of sexual communication and an opportunity to openly discuss things like fantasies, desires, and kinks!
Contractual consent
What it is: In some relationships (whether solely sexual or emotional), partners will draw up a contract that allows them to take certain sexual action under certain circumstances without having to seek consent in that instance. Instead, the contract itself is indicative of consent - although its conditions can be revoked at any time (just like it can be revoked at any time in any type of consent). Using a contract to set up the conditions of consent before a sexual act occurs has the benefit of allowing the action to go on uninterrupted. A misconception with contractual consent is that it's only used in sexual acts that involve BDSM. Any pairing of partners with any number of sexual interests can use a contract to specify consent. As long as everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and happy with the terms, a contract can be an amazing way to focus on pleasure, rather than permission.
How it's given: Typically in writing, on paper, with signatures - although in some cases it can be verbal.
Example: The most common example of this type of consent is a "Master/slave" contact, wherein both parties agree to a series of rules, scenes, and circumstances that give each other the permission to act out the terms of their relationship. Agreements, compromising, and boundaries are explicit in such a contract.
Caveat: Just because consent was given beforehand doesn't mean it can't be revoked instantaneously - just as this applies for all types of consent.
What types of sexual acts are there?
There is an extremely large variety of categories and subcategories of sexual acts. However, for the purpose of common sexual practices, basic promiscuity, and time, I'm going to list the most typical sexual acts performed (KEEP IN MIND - ALL FORMS OF SEX, EVEN THOSE NOT LISTED HERE, INVOLVE CONSENT) . However, if you're interested in the various types of sexual acts, the internet is a great place for self-education.
Vaginal sex - penis or other instruments enters vagina.
Anal sex - anal stimulation of anus with various devices including finger, penis, lips, mouth, tongues or objects.
Oral sex - using the mouth and tongue to stimulate your partner's genital area (penis or vagina).
Penetrative sex - an object (e.g. a penis or sex toy) inside someone else's body through vaginal, anal, and/or oral sex.
The use of sex toys (e.g. vibrators)
BDSM
What consent looks like
As outlined by RAINN, positive consent looks like:
Communicating when you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like "Is this OK?"
Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying "yes" or another affirmative statement, like "I'm open to trying."
Using physical cues to let the other person know you're comfortable taking things to the next level.
And....
Respecting your partner's boundaries, understanding that "no" means "no", and understanding if it's not "yes", then it's "no".
What consent DOES NOT look like
Taken from both RAINN and The Rooster, consent does not look like:
Refusing to acknowledge "no"
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by state
Someone being incapacitated by drugs or alcohol
Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you've done it in the past
Non-verbal communication
Being in a relationship with someone
Being in a marriage
Internet sexting or sending nudes
Silence, passivity, lack of resistance or immobility
In conclusion, it's important to end this post with the following:
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND AT ANY TIME
You can withdraw consent at any point throughout the sexual act or before the sexual act if you feel uncomfortable. It's important to clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop. The best way to ensure both parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it. [1]
It's also important to remember that whether it's a one-night stand, a 2 year long relationship, or a 30+ year marriage,
CONSENT SHOULD ALWAYS BE GIVEN AND ASKED FOR
- it should NEVER be solely implied.
If you're still a little confused on what consent looks like, sounds like, and how to read it, or just want to learn more about consent, check out the following video:
Until then,
Ciao, my friends and practice consent!
*For more in depth and expanded information on consent, visit https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent and https://therooster.com/blog/there-are-actually-five-types-sexual-consent-%E2%80%94-heres-how-navigate-them
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