Hello everyone!
It's been a long while since I've written a blog post and before I begin, I'd like to clarify as to why I haven't posted in over a week.
When it comes to the topics I write about, I make it a point to do research and get two perspectives on whatever it is I'm writing about. I also like to gather statistics and viable information for the sake of credibility and resources that you, as a reader, can intake or reference if my integrity is in question - or if you'd like to know more about the topic at hand.
With that, and other time and prior commitments, it takes more than a day to properly write about a topic that I become so passionate about and invested in. Meaning, I don't want to deliver a post, for the lack of better words, that's "half-assed" with the sole intention of getting it posted on time. I'd like to take my time and make sure that all the information I'm writing on is based on other sources and is as respectful as possible without getting carried away with my beliefs and principles.
It is with this information and explanation on my not-so-timely posting that I ask for patience and support in this blog! Just because I haven't posted in a while doesn't mean I'm going anywhere and will continue to write on topics I believe need to be openly discussed and addressed. 😊
Taking this into account, please enjoy the following post!
Thank you all!
"In order to love someone, you must love yourself first."
Throughout most of high school, I'd hear this quote in TV shows I'd watch and read it on blogs I'd read similar to the one I've currently concocted. At the time, I never fully grasped the meaning of this quote nor understood it in it's entirety.
As a 17 year old who grew insecure throughout most of high school and doubted my ability to successfully perform in any endeavor I set my aspirations in and dedication to, I believed that love was merited and felt at the hands, encouragement, and constant appraisal of another. This isn't to say that love can't be felt or given by another, as that is an idea I'll highlight later in this post, but my idea and belief of love was that in order to feel it, it had to be given only by my significant other - not by myself.
It was this mentality that produced a low self-esteem and questioning of my accomplishments, efforts, and overall greatness. I became dependent on the love of my significant other instead of valuing the love I had for myself - a love that truly matters before anyone else's.
It wasn't until the end of my senior year, when I finally realized my worth, value, and how much I meant to myself that I began loving myself and gained this confidence like no other.
Ever since then, I can wholeheartedly say that I'm so proud to live in my skin and to be the woman I am. With my imperfections and personally perceived perfections.
Realizing my self-worth and value has been the grand factor in all that I do and has set the standards I have for friendships, relationships, and convictions I strongly live by. My unconditional self-loving has empowered and heightened my love for those who mean so much to me and has been beneficial in helping others recognize their self-worth and value.
In this post, I will highlight ways to love yourself unconditionally and heighten your self esteem. As mentioned in other posts, I am no expert but am someone who's experienced this and is a proud product of unconditional self-love.
*Tips are not only taken from personal experience but from other sources which will be cited through hyperlinks.
Improving Your Inner Self-Love
Conquer negative thoughts you have about yourself . It's quite easy for people to have negative thoughts about themselves but it's difficult for them to let go of those negative thoughts. Such negative thoughts are often a result from the opinions and thoughts of outside people whose judgement we value and from whom we seek love and acceptance. [1]
Avoid perfectionism. Let's face it: none of us are perfect, no matter how much we try to be. If you find yourself pursuing perfectionism and feeling negatively about yourself when you don't feel perfect or are less than it, engage in three simple steps: Stop your current line of thinking, focus on the effort that will be required to work towards a goal, and steadily apply the required effort. [2] Such engagement in these three steps can highlight your hard and exceptional work!
Don't focus on the negatives in life. Excessive focus on negative or unfavorable events in life can make events seem disproportionately important. [3] If you find yourself complaining that "everything that happens" to you is bad, attempt to find a little evidence to the contrary; it is very unlikely that everything is bad. [4]
Don't demean yourself. If you call yourself a name or beat yourself up with harsh words, you're reducing yourself from a human to a single element of yourself that you do not like. [5]
Using phrases like "I'm such a failure" after failing an exam is incorrect and unfair to you. Instead, realign your thinking to "I didn't perform well on my exam, but I can use this experience to focus more on my studies and see what I need to especially study to pass the next exam."
Saying "I'm so worthless" is also highly untrue and diminutive. If you feel you are worthless, it's more likely that your efforts haven't been acknowledged or your performance on something isn't at the standards you have. Instead, think positively and set standards that are achievable and acknowledge that no one is perfect.
The absolute worst can't happen. With negative thinking, it's easy to assume the worst can happen in situations such as a job interview, an exam, a date, and more. However, changing your inner thoughts to be realistic or honest can help avoid the generalization or exaggeration that follows assuming the worst.
Change your internal script. When you come to the realization you're thinking negatively about yourself, acknowledge the feeling, identify the source of the feeling, and then consciously make a new statement - re-writing your thought as a more positive one! When you realize that you are thinking negatively for yourself, acknowledge the feeling, identify the source of the feeling, and then consciously make a new statement re-writing your thought as a more positive one.[7]
For example, if you forgot to send an important work-related email, you may find yourself thinking “I am so stupid! How could I have done that?”
Stop yourself, and think “I feel stupid right now because I forgot to send the email. When I would forget to do things as a child, my father would tell me that I was stupid. These are his words, not my own, in my head.” Then think to yourself, “I am a competent employee who made a human mistake, and I will be sure to write myself a reminder in the future. For now, I will send the email along with an apology for not sending it before.”
Exercising Self-Love
Recognize your positive attributes and acknowledge them daily. Acknowledging your positive attributes and all the beautiful, wonderful aspects about yourself can be difficult - especially if you habitually think negatively of yourself. But try to find one positive thing about yourself to add to the list once a week! At the end of each day, reflect on your entire list. [8]
Make your list extremely specific. Try listing specific actions or attributes that describe who you are and what yo do instead of using general adjectives to describe yourself.
Instead of simply saying "I am kind", you can write "Any time I see someone in need of help, I offer my consolation and friendship. I also think of my loved ones very much and am there for them in times of need. I don't like to judge or ridicule others. This makes me kind."
As you read and reflect on your list, ALWAYS REMEMBER that each item on the list is a reason that you are worthy of respect and love - however insignificant each attribute may seem.
Be selfish. If there's especially one thing I've learned about self-love and self-care in general, it's to be selfish. Don't feel guilty for spending time on yourself and doing things for yourself. It's crucial to give yourself the time and devotion to self-love!
Treat yourself
Donna Meagle says it best - treat yourself! If you've had a significant accomplishment or pursued successfully in an endeavor you set your mind and dedication to, celebrate it! Your celebration could be through a nice dinner with your loved ones or through pampering yourself to a nice spa day/shopping day.Take a moment to think of all the hard work you do on a daily basis and find a reason to celebrate yourself. You deserve it!
Discover techniques to deal with setbacks or negativity. It's important to notice what sets you back from your current path of self-love and decide how to deal with such setbacks and negativity. [9] Come to the realization that you cannot control the words and actions of others - but you can control your responses and reactions (remember: people don't upset or sadden you; your thoughts do.) Acknowledge your feelings and reevaluate your negative reaction with positive encouragement and reminders of your self-worth.
Meet with a therapist. A plethora of people have this belief that going to therapy and talking with a therapist means one is mentally unstable or "crazy" (which is an extremely demeaning word to those who suffer from mental illness and should never be used to describe the abnormal behavior of another). However, speaking with a therapist can help one navigate through the experience of recovery from difficult memories without causing the reliving of painful experiences. [10] A therapist is a great way to productively handle negative thoughts and realize positive qualities. You don't have to do it alone.
Repeat positive assertions daily. Look for positive thoughts that help you feel better and repeat them daily. The habit of repeating positive affirmations will sink in and if you don't believe them at first, you will begin to! A positive affirmation to promote self-love is: "I am a whole, worth individual, and I respect, trust, and love myself."
Engage in things that make you feel good. It's important to not only feel good physically but to feel good emotionally and spiritually. There are multiple ways to make yourself feel good such as: exercising by riding your bike on a nice, sunny day, meditating, doing anything that makes you religiously feel revitalized, and keeping a positivity journal. Finding a routine that feels good and sticking to it can heighten your great feelings! Going back to being selfish, find time to do such activities alone! Outings such as going to the movies or pizza by yourself can also be beneficial in feeling good. Take advantage of alone time for leisure and pleasure!
Think about the effects of practicing self-love. When you actually practice self-love and treating yourself, you will more than likely see the benefits in other aspects of your life. Through loving yourself, you might to start to feel like you are more in charge of the choices you make and that you have more control of your life!
Understanding Self-Love
Understand the effects lack of self-love can have. A lack of self-love can lead to harmful choices. A lack of self-love is often equivalent to a lack of self-worth which leads to devisions that prevent individuals from advocating for their own basic needs or recognizing important areas of life such as family, health, motivation, and most importantly, caring for yourself.
Reflecting on my personal story stated in the beginning, lack of self-love can lead to a harmful dependence on others for validation (Wiltermuth SS1, Cohen TR2, 2014). Such relying on others for validation leads people to set aside their own needs in order gain others' approval.
Lack of self-love can prevent one from overcoming emotional healing and progress.
Understand the effects of outside comments on self-love. No matter what, you will encounter negativity in your life. Self-love cannot be practiced in a corner or closed space where there's no one. Without the influence of outside comments and potential negativity, self-love can't be practiced. With such comments and negativity, you must learn to deal with negativity from others - even strangers on the street!
Although it may be difficult to encounter outside comments and negativity, you can empower yourself to let such negativity pass without allowing it to change your feelings of self-worth.
If you are a parent, understand how you can support your child's self-esteem. It's crucial for parents to be there for their children in terms of feelings of self-worth and self-love. The following is advice to practice with your children:
Listen to your children; it increases their self-worth - According to the Handbook of Positive Psychology, if you really listen to your child and interact with him/her by asking follow-up questions and responding to his/her words, your child will feel that you value what he/she has to say.
Teach children in a non-aggressive manner (without hitting, yelling, shaming or cursing) to maintain feelings of self-worth - If your child hits another child, you can calmly pull him/her to the side and explain that he/she shouldn't hit other children because it can hurt them. As a parent, teaching your children right from wrong in a non-aggressive manner will have long-term effects in self-love and their behavior as they grow older.
And most importantly, offer children warmth, affection, support, and respect without judgment to make children feel worthy of love and acceptance - if your child tells you he/she is sad about something that seems childish or that he/she likes their gender, do not dismiss their feelings. Acknowledge his/her feelings by using terms such as "I understand that you are sad because..." and do your best to explain why (if) the situation cannot be changed to help them understand and to show that their feelings matter to you and are justifiable. Acknowledge that they may have feelings of love for different types of people that may not be in accordance with yours. Recognize that they're their own person and need the love, support, and empowerment from the person who matters the absolute most to them - you. Offer a hug or other physical affection to comfort your child and help him/her feel that you empathize with him/her, even if you cannot change the situation. Nurture from a parent is essential in the development of a child and especially in self-esteem. Loving and accepting your child for who they are and their uniqueness will be beneficial to them as they grow older and encounter negativity and judgement - which they can then counteract with self-love that you instilled them since they were a child!
Loving yourself is truly the most wholesome and tremendous feeling ever. When you love yourself unconditionally, you can absolutely do anything and everything. You can take on the world and accomplish unquestionably anything you set your mind to. You can be comfortable in the values you so strongly uphold without feeling ashamed or having to apologize for them. You can have the highest regards not only for your successes but the successes of others. You can overcome setbacks that may alter your plans or preconceived notions. You can empower others to feel as great as you do. You can love someone in the greatest capacity since you love yourself. And most importantly, you can live a life in love.
To others, I might not be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, coolest, or most amazing person. But to me, I am - and that's all that matters.
Albeit loving yourself produces a high-self esteem and is such a strength, there will be times and days where your love for yourself isn't unconditional or is in question. However, whenever you aren't loving yourself the way you should or are envious of someone else because of their accomplishments, beauty, or lifestyle, always remember:
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