In order to better understand what exactly "stealthing" is, let's break it down word for word.
What is "stealthing"?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, "stealth" is "the act or action of proceeding furtively, secretly, or imperceptibly" and is "obsolete" - something stolen. The "ing", as most of us learned in middle school, is a suffix forming the present participle of verbs (hence, "stealthing").
Basically, to engage in "stealthing" is to act on something secretly and steal it.
But stealthing is more than that.
It is non-consensual condom removal, a practice of one sex partner furtively removing a condom when consent has only been given by the other sex partner for condom-protected safer sex. And it happens more than you think or would like to acknowledge.
Calling Stealthing What It Is
From happening in a hookup, to happening in a relationship, stealthing is on the rise and is rape.
It violates the man or woman who consented to having sex with a condom and not only puts him or her at risk for pregnancy or an STD/STI, but can produce traumatic and emotional distress.
Stealthing began gaining mainstream attention in 2017 after Yale Law graduate Alexandra Brodsky published "Rape-Adjacent: Imagining Legal Responses to Nonconsensual Condom Removal" in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law. *Throughout this post, I will be referring to the amazing points Brodsky makes throughout her renowned paper and expanding on the information she brings to light.* As stated by Brodsky, many women and men have a difficult time putting a name to their sexual partner removing the condom during sex without their knowledge or consent. However, through an online sub-community of perpetrators in which this practice is glorified, this practice of nonconsenually removing condoms during sex has been identified and dubbed as "stealthing".
As mentioned earlier, the practice puts the partner who consented to sex with a condom at risk for unwanted pregnancies (if female) and STDs/STIs. But it doesn't just put them at risk for these health concerns. It results in them feeling "a violation of trust and a denial of autonomy" (Brodsky, 2017) - not antithetical to rape.
Partners are left with the chilling worry of having contracted a sexually transmitted disease and/or sexually transmitted infection and rushing over to their health care provider for STD testing. Partners are left checking their calendar of menstruation to see if they were ovulating at the time of the incident and debating if they should make the pricey purchase of emergency contraceptive. Partners are left attempting to convince themselves it was consensual since that's how the sexual act began and wasn't a violation of their autonomy (more common in relationships). Partners are left feeling uncomfortable in their bodies. Partners are left with a deep feeling of invasion and abuse. Partners are left raped.
As stated in an article written by Sophie Maullin, "Stealthing isn't a 'sex trend'. It's sexual assault - and it happened to me", who was stealthed during a hookup, "my feelings of violation weren’t caused by the experience of unprotected sex itself, despite having been exposed to potential STIs and pregnancy; it was my perpetrator’s abuse of my boundaries and his perceived entitlement to my body. I didn’t realise I had been sexually assaulted until a nurse, giving me the morning-after pill, explained it to me."
Perspective of Stealthing Not Being Rape
However, through Brodsky's research, some survivors of stealthing have difficulty in recognizing the nonconsensual removal of a condom as rape. Through contemporary energy and discussions, consent rather than force is the "distinguishing factor" between sex and rape with such conviction being the determinant of nonconsensual condom removal being rape (Brodsky, 2017). Yet, interestingly enough, interviewees for Brodsky's study who had previously been raped did not see the condom removal as a form of rape. Nevertheless, survivors identified a clear connection as one survivor referred to stealthing as "rape-adjacent".
As explained by one man in an Independent interview titled "Stealthing: Man Explains Why He Takes Off His Condom During Sex", his reason behind stealthing is because "it feels better with no condom on". Where some women and men may hold the belief that sex feels better without protection or "raw", it serves no right or entitlement in ANY capacity to nonconsensually remove the condom during sex. It is a conversation that needs to be had with your partner before engaging in sex with desires and preferences of having safe sex being respected and 100% engaged in.
To further defend his reason for stealthing, *Brendan (name changed for the purpose of the interview and article) goes onto stay that "there's crossing the road and we all do that" and doesn't see stealthing as breaking an agreement before sex. It is also stated in the article that he seems 'not to care at all about violating the rights of his partner' as he just puts "one on and if nothing is said I take it off. I don't think it's breaking the law".
"Pull it off, take it off, put it back in. Everyone's happy.... no one's ever angry but if someone asks me to put it back on, I'll put it back on for sure. That's fair" Brendan says.
Well, Brendan, I have a couple of questions - is "everyone happy" or is it just your predatory yearnings that are "happy" and satisfied? Do you finish sex with feelings of violation and distrust? Do you lay in bed at the end of your night distressed in your own skin and feeling betrayed? Is THAT being "happy"? And is "no one ever angry" because YOU'RE not angry? Or because your partner who consented to having protected sex is unaware that you removed the condom because he/she trusted in you to fully engage in consensual, safe sex?
Also - it's "fair" to you to put on another condom, after taking it off and continuing sex, when someone asks you to "put it back on" but where was the fairness and just of you removing it after your partner consented to having safe sex with you? Seems fair to you but not your partner as the condom shouldn't have been removed to begin with. Keeping the condom on at ALL times would be fair - not when he/she asks you to put it on after you've removed it.
Stealthing is Rape
Stealthing is a "consent violation". Partners consent to engaging in sex with a condom - not without it. Survivors not only feel betrayal from their partners but feel a wholesale dismissal of their preferences and desires (Brodsky, 2017).
The problem of labelling stealthing as "rape" is the constant shame women and men who have fallen victims to this nonconsensual practice face. When discussing the crime, victims are often asked if they're absolutely "sure" it was rape and if they consented to the sexual act to begin with. Victims are asked if they initially "wanted to have sex" with the partner who stealthed them. Victims are asked if they're sure the condom didn't just "fall off" during sex. Victims are made to feel they're lying about their sexual assault. Victims are (sometimes) convinced that it may have not been sexual assaulted and it is for this very reason that sexual assaults are underreported - because people don't believe them and/or make them feel it wasn't sexual assault.
The Legal System in Terms of Stealthing
As of 2017, two federal lawmakers say that stealthing is a form of sexual assault that should be addressed by Congress. Congresswoman Carolyn B. Maloney (D-NY) joined forces with Congressman Ro Khanna (D-CA) on advocating for Congress to acknowledge stealthing and take legal action on reported crimes. Both lawmakers wrote a letter to the House Judiciacy Committee urging its members to address stealthing by holding a hearing on the "emerging" phenomenon which they called "disgraceful" and "incredibly dangerous". As mentioned in the joint letter, "stealthing can lead to lasting consequences such as unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, and is also a violation of trust and dignity between two-sexual partners".
As Brodsky highlights in her paper, legal maneuvers may provide relief to victims but new legal remedies may be needed.
As stated by Rep. Maloney, "I am horrified that we even need to be having this conversation, that a sexual partner would violate their partner’s trust and consent like this. Stealthing is sexual assault. We need a hearing so that Congress can hear from the experts about how to best address this issue as we continue to amend our country’s and universities’ responses to sexual assault and rape.” In support of this, Rep. Khanna says "Consent is not up for discussion. It is a requirement for the entirety of any sexual interaction. Stealthing violates an agreement between partners and is a dangerous form of sexual assault."
Currently, in the United Kingdom and highlighted by Maullin in her article, there have been no successful convictions for stealthing under British conditional consent laws - although society is being informed with the idea that rape is about consent and not force. She believes that law enforcement still needs to "rid itself of pervasive stereotypes about sexual assault". If the awareness and education around stealthing improves, as she states, and is recognized as a crime, it is our job to protect and support those that come forward - whether in the United Kingdom, the United States, or wherever.
Respect Your Partner
It's not difficult to respect your partner and take care of them - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If you wouldn't want it done to you, then you shouldn't be doing it to someone else. Whether it's in a one-night hookup, in a one-month relationship, in a three-year relationship, or in a 30+ year marriage - respect your partner and his/her boundaries. No matter how wet or "blue" your balls are.
The easiest way to not engage in stealthing isssss....... to WEAR YOUR CONDOM AND NOT TAKE IT OFF AT ALL.
Do I really even need to give that advice?
It should already be a given. :-)
For more information on sexual assault, visit: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault or call: 1-800-656-4673
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