*Throughout this post, I will refer to a person as "one" or singularly using "they", "them" and "their".
"If you find yourself crying more than laughing, then maybe it isn't a good relationship". I first heard this from my high school boyfriend when we were discussing if our relationship was a healthy one or not. Ever since he told me this, I've found myself reflecting on the statement four years later in the two other serious relationships I've been in since then and with anyone I date.
Being in a relationship can be all sorts of fun and elicit a surfeit of emotions such as happiness, passion, genuineness, and even love. But, sometimes, being in a relationship can become a burden and toxic, evoking emotions opposite to the ones stated above such as guilt, self-shame, fear, jealously, frustration, distrust and producing behaviors such as isolation, unfaithfulness, and more.
The meaning and significance of a relationship is different to the individuals in the relationship. Whether that'd be due to cultural and traditional norms or personal beliefs. However, one of the important, if not, the most important aspect of a relationship, is respect.
Each person in the relationship should not only respect themselves but their significant other in all aspects. Respect is the key to making any relationship a healthy and beautiful one and is a topic I will write about in the near future.
But what are the signs of a relationship that doesn't have respect and isn't a healthy one?
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
1. Disrespect
This a common indicator of an unhealthy relationship as respect is the basis of a relationship. If one's partner doesn't respect their partner's boundaries in terms of sex or what they will & won't do in any given circumstance and doesn't respect them in general, especially after continuously being told by their partner that they're being disrespected, then it isn't a healthy relationship.
2. Jealously
A plethora of those in relationships, mostly younger people, commonly mistake jealousy as a form of affection and care. However, jealously is not a form of affection and care, nor reassurance, but can become emotionally abusive and make the partner feel as if they're the one's doing something to provoke the jealously. Through technological advancements, jealously is now beyond just hanging out with one's best guy or girl friend but can be evoked and evinced at the tip of one's fingers. Sadly, it's far too common of partners growing upset and jealous because their partner liked the post of another woman or man - sometimes leaving their partner feel as if it was their wrongdoing. This is just one of the many examples of jealousy with its emotional responses and guilt, making jealously a signal of an unhealthy relationship.
3. Abuse
Abuse goes beyond physicality. Abuse in a relationship can also be emotional. If one's partner raises their hand at them and hurts them, it isn't love - no matter how much they say it is - and is a toxic attribute. Being physically abused NEVER has any justifications - no matter what the reason for it was (not giving the right directions to a destination, talking to a guy or girl friend, saying something that their partner doesn't agree with, not performing an action to the best of their ability or at the standard of their partner,etc.). Emotional abuse, such as gaslighting and reverse psychology, is unhealthy, can isolate, and "mind-fuck" the partner being abused. Such abuse can keep a partner in a relationship, making it hard for them to leave, produce guilt, and cause isolation.
Abuse in a relationship, also, isn't just about being abused by a partner. It can be abusing one's self (self harm) due to feelings of not being worthy to live and can be a result of constant emotional and/or physical abuse from the relationship.
4. Manipulation
Manipulation is a form of abuse. Being manipulated, as mentioned above, can cause the partner to stay in the relationship and make it hard for them to leave. Such manipulation can evoke guilt, constant forgiveness, and the belief that their partner loves them and would never hurt them - or make them believe their partner hurts them because they love them.
5. Isolation
As highlighted above, toxicity in a relationship can cause isolation. The toxic partner may abuse the partner into believing that "no one will ever love" them as much as the toxic partner does, their friends aren't really their "friends" and the toxic partner is there for them in capacities their friends, and even family, aren't, they're not worthy of living a live that doesn't involve the toxic partner, their the reason for their isolation, and it's their fault for everything.
6. Entrapment
In an unhealthy relationship, one partner may feel trapped and as if they can't leave. This can be due to emotional abuse such as manipulation which causes guilt and beliefs that they'll never find someone as "loving and good" to them as the toxic partner.
7. Selfishness
Being selfish can include not respecting the boundaries and wishes of one's partner, only caring about personal feelings and wants, not being there for one's partner when truly needed, not acknowledging or taking responsibility for their own wrongdoings, and much more.
8. Lack of Trust
A lack of trust in a relationship can make someone feel like they can't trust their partner in anything and can produce many unhealthy habits such as anger, insecurities, passive-aggressiveness, overthinking and over-worrying, and lack of proper communication.
9. Being Fearful
Being in a relationship that provokes fear of being abused, ridiculed, exercising one's personal thoughts and beliefs, and being one's own person is extremely unhealthy. No person should ever feel fear in a relationship and to feel it, if it's in regards to the relationship itself or the partner, is toxic.
10. Walking on Egg Shells
The feeling of having to be extremely careful of what is said, done, and even thought of is a form of fear and shouldn't be felt in a relationship. Acting on these fears and doing everything in one's power to not anger the partner is emotionally abusive.
11. Feeling Ashamed of Who You Are
Sometimes, being in a toxic relationship can make one feel ashamed of who they are because of the continuous deride and uncircumstantial abuse. Partners often feel who they are isn't good enough for their toxic partner or anyone for that matter, along with feelings of self-hatred and ashamed of the person they are.
12. Diminishing of Self-Worth
When in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, it's common to begin lowering standards set by oneself and participate in efforts to please the toxic partner - gradually forgetting their self-worth and self-importance. Diminishment of self-worth includes failure to recognize personal beliefs and perspectives and neglect unique characteristics and personality traits.
13. Constant Ridicule
Being told that one isn't "good enough", "smart", is "too fat" or "too skinny", and that one will "never find someone" like their toxic partner are few examples of ridicule in a toxic relationship. Such ridicule is constant and is disrespectful, making the partner who's being humiliated feel bad about themselves, while provoking insecurities and instilling the belief of truly not being "good" enough.
14. Can't Do Anything Right/Feeling Useless
With constant ridicule, walking on egg shells, and being fearful, lies the feeling of being useless and not being able to do "anything" right. Feeling this way and believing this is the result of a toxic relationship and is something NO ONE should ever feel - because everyone is full of so much worth and can do absolutely anything and everything.
15. No Support
In an unhealthy relationship, there's sometimes the toxicity of the toxic partner either being in competition with their partner or not supporting any of their endeavors and/or accomplishments. Without support in a relationship, the partner will not grow as their own person and will feel as if they're endeavors and/or accomplishments are not worthy or important - often resulting in, again, not being "good enough" or up to par with their toxic partner's standards.
16. No Empowerment
A healthy, secure relationship is all about helping each other grow together and individually to be the best versions of each self. When there's no empowerment in a relationship, there's no love and desire to grow in capacities that will greatly benefit each other- both individually and together. Disenfranchising one's partner and not empowering or motivating them in all they do is extremely unfair.
17. Feeling Drained
Finding the relationship as a burden instead of a benefit and just feeling emotionally drained by it all isn't a healthy attribute in a relationship. When someone has just had enough, they often begin noticing the unhealthy aspects of their relationship which may serve as a motivator for ending the toxic relationship and put an emphasis on their self-worth.
18. More Sadness than Happiness
As stated in the beginning of this post, if you find yourself crying more than laughing, your mascara ruined instead of your lipstick, or being with your partner out of pity rather than affection, the relationship is unhealthy and has taken a drastic, emotional toll on you. Ask yourself if the tears are really worth it instead of the smiles and stomach-hurting laughter.
Where there are toxic, unhealthy relationships, there are beautiful, healthy relationships. It isn't about finding the right person as humanity emphasizes. It's about being the right person and remembering that a relationship is about respecting your partner and helping them grow to be a better version of them self.
EVERYONE is worthy of being loved and respected.
If you are in a toxic relationship or know someone who is and want to offer assistance in terms of emotional support and trust, visit http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/ or
https://relationship.supportgroups.com/.
Comments