*Throughout this post, I will be referring to an experience I had with a dear friend of mine who was in an abusive relationship with a woman. His identity will be confidential with no specifics given. Although the example I will be giving throughout this post was between a male and female in a relationship, the advice given at length on what to do if a loved one is an abusive relationship can be applied in any relationship such as a male-female relationship, male-male relationship, or female-female relationship.
*With that being said, it's important to note that abuse can happen in any relationship and to anyone. It doesn't matter if it's male to female, female to male, male to male, or female to female. It's especially crucial, although I may be redundant, to put the emphasis and reminder that men can be abused in a relationship. Women being abused in relationships seem to be focused on more often than men being abused. However, nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by a partner and nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively).
*As mentioned, my friend who experienced abuse was a male and was in a relationship with a female. This is a considerable example of a male who is a survivor of relationship abuse. Through this post, I not only hope to share helpful advice on what to do if a loved one is in an abusive relationship but bring awareness and importance for men who are in abusive relationships.
"I love you but am so extremely disappointed in you for staying in this relationship. Do you not love yourself enough to leave?" This was a statement and question I asked one of my greatest guy friend's, who was being emotionally abused by his significant other, one night as he sat in my car, venting and completely distraught about the way his girlfriend treated him. At this point, he had come to me a countless amount of times with the same scenarios in question or similar ones. I had up to Mt. Everest with him and couldn't take seeing him hurt and in pain. "Do you not love yourself enough?" is a question I'll never forget asking because of the expression on his face. A face not of realization but hurt. Hurt that I inflicted upon him.
I didn't know how I could possibly convince my friend to leave the toxic relationship that demeaned him instead of empowered him. I didn't know what more I could say to help him realize the relationship wasn't at all healthy and that it was toxic for him to stay.
And the truth is - I couldn't.
Because no matter how much I grew upset at him for being with someone who wasn't even close to 5% of how amazing he was and tried convincing him to leave, at the end of the day, it was his decision to make. Not mine.
So, I found other ways to help him through the toxic relationship eventually resulting in him officially leaving it. Not through constant expressed disappointment, reminders of how unhealthy the relationship was, or lecturing but through love, active listening, being there for him no matter how many times he came to me with the exact same problem or similar ones, not being judgmental if he decided to stay in the relationship, and most importantly, by being supportive but empowering him and the man he was but didn't see.
The following are steps you can take and utilize when one of your loved ones' is in an abusive relationship.
But first, let's highlight what types of "abuse" can take place in a relationship in order to better understand what an abusive relationship can consist of.
What kinds of abuse can take place in a relationship?
According to REACH - Building Healthy Communities by Ending Domestic Violence, there are six different types of abuse:
1. Physical
This type of abuse is the kind most people think of when they hear 'abuse'. Physical abuse includes punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, strangling, or physically restraining a partner against their will. It can also include invading someone's physical space, reckless driving, and any other way that makes someone feel physically unsafe.
2. Sexual
Sexual abuse can include both physical and non-physical components. It can involve rape or other forced sexual acts, or withholding or using sex as a weapon. An abusive partner might also use sex as a mean to "judge their partner" and "assign a value" - meaning that they criticize or say that they're not good enough at sex OR that sex is the only think they're good for. Since sex can consist of emotional and cultural implications, there are numerous ways that the feelings around it can be manipulatively used for power and control.
FACT: Marital rape wasn't illegal in all 50 states until 1993. Because of this, some people may still assume that sex is something they're entitled to and fail to recognize this mindset being a larger pattern of power and control.
3. Verbal/Emotional
This type of abuse and it's effects are harder to spot and harder to prove. Examples of verbal/emotional abuse are abusive partners calling their partner harsh words or verbally demeaning them. As a result, this has an emotional effect on the partner being abused and leaves emotional scars that often take very long to heal.
4. Mental/Psychological
This type of abuse is through a series of actions or words which wears away at a partner's sense of mental wellbeing and health. It often involves making the victim doubt and question their own sanity (such as gaslighting). Examples of mental/psychological abuse include deliberately moving car keys or a purse, dimming the lights, and flat-out denying that certain things had taken place. As a result of this, especially over a continued amount of time - and often with the isolation that's at the hands of the abuser - the survivor depends on the abuser more and more because they don't trust their own judgement. Survivors also hesitate to tell anyone about the abuse for fear they won't be believed.
5. Financial/Economic
Since abuse is about power and control, an abuser will use any means necessary to maintain that control which often includes finances. From controlling all of the budgeting in the household and not letting the survivor have access to their own bank accounts or spending money, opening credit cards and running up debt in the survivor's name, to simply not letting the survivor have a job and earn their own money, this type of abuse is often a big reason why someone is unable to leave an abusive relationship - since their abusive partner is their financial support.
6. Cultural/Identity
Cultural abuse takes place when abusers use aspects of a victim's personal cultural identity to inflict suffering or as a means of control. Examples of cultural abuse includes not letting someone observe the dietary or dress customs of their faith, using racial slurs, threatening to "out someone" as LGBQ/T if their family and friend's don't know, or isolating someone who doesn't speak their dominant language where they live.
How can you tell if a loved one is being abused in their relationship?
It can be difficult to notice signs that a loved one is being abused as some survivors, as outlined in the "mental/psychological" abuse section above, may not express feelings of fear, despair, and worry to anyone. Because of this, they may "put up a front" towards family and friends to not give the slightest indication they're being abused. However, there are certain things you can be on the look for if you believe your loved one is being abused. (*Some of these signs are taken from HealthyPlace)
There are physical marks on their body such as bruises, cuts, tears, bite marks, and more
When asked about physical marks, they may hesitate, get nervous quickly, and give a story of how they accidentally hurt themselves that may not seem to add up to the location and/or severity of their mark
May not want to talk about how their relationship is or when asked, replies with very short responses
Acts suspiciously happy; sense that they're happy and okay on the outside but are suffering on the inside
Questions their sanity or behavior while asking for your advice
Asks partner for "permission" or for their input on absolutely everything; can't seem to make a decision without consultation from their partner
Blames herself/himself for partner's behavior or makes excuses for them
Doesn't have time to meet or hang out with you
Excuses the actions or words of their partner
Talks to you about the horrible relationships in partner's past or how the partner has one or more "crazy" exes
Asks partner for money all of the time; rarely has cash or any form of money to use
Seems to be hesitant, shaky, nervous, or acts differently around partner compared to their behavior with just you
Begins using illegal substances or overdrinking
Seems defensive, thinks you judge them, and explains things that do not need explanation
Forgives their partner after something they were extremely hurt about because of the pain (emotional and/or physical) their partner inflicted upon them
Has unfounded optimism for the outcome of their last fight or for the relationship
Is in denial when your belief of the relationship being abusive is brought up
Stops going to you for advice
Stops talking to you for not apparent reason
Verbally tells you they're being abused
What to do if a loved one is in an abusive relationship:
When a loved one is being abused in their relationship, it's extremely difficult to just stand behind and not want to confront their abusive partner and beat the living shit out of them for the pain they're exacting upon your loved one. Without confronting their abusive partner (which a majority of the time, your loved one being abused would NOT want whatsoever in fear of angering their abuser even more) or wanting to go WWE on them, the following are helpful actions you can take if your loved one is being abused. Not just helpful for you as a bystander but helpful for them (*A majority of these tips are taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline):
Acknowledge their feelings and the very difficult and scary situation they're in; Be supportive and listen.
Let them know that the abuse is not at all their fault. Reassure them that they are not alone in this and that there is help and support out there such as counseling, support groups, hotlines, and more. It may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse or give specific details as to how they were abused so being patient with them throughout it all is extremely important. Let them know that you are available for them in whatever it is they may need. What they need the most is someone who will believe them, listen to them, and support them.
Be non-judgmental
Respect your loved one's decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. They may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize their decisions, try to guilt them, or become disappointed in them. Although you may not understand why they'd stay or return to the relationship, they don't need you to. What they need is your support even more during those times.
If your loved one says they are going to leave the relationship because of how abusive it is but decide to stay, it is not in your place to grow angry with them or lecture them for their decision. Growing angry with them and lecturing them as if they're a child will only push them away more into their abuser which will, in turn, isolate them even more.
Empower them
Instead of constantly reminding them how abusive the relationship is, remind them of how amazing and deserving of anything and everything they are. Empowering your loved one on how strong, lovely, kind, smart, and everything they are their abusive partner may demean them on will fill that missing component of their relationship. Empowerment of them may get to the point of your loved one actually believing and embracing all of those powerful aspects you empower them on - which may encourage and motivate them to leave the relationship based on their own decision, not yours.
If they end the relationship, continue to be supportive of them
Although the relationship was abusive, your loved one may still feel sad and lonely once it's over. They will need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at the time. It's important to not say things like "I told you so" or ask "why do you miss him/her? Look how they treated you". Your loved one doesn't need to justify themselves much less feel even worse about it all.
Encourage them to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family
Support throughout all of this is crucial. The more your loved one feels supported by people who care for them, the easier it will be for them to to take the steps necessary to get and stay safe away from their abuser. Inviting them to join you in an outing, for dinner, for a night together, and all activities that take place in the company of their loved ones will most definitely make them feel they have a strong support system to rely on.
Help them develop a safety plan
As outlined on The National Domestic Violence Hotline, help your loved one create a safety plan for wherever they are in their relationship - whether they're choosing to stay, preparing to leave, or have already left.
Encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance
Promote local and national resources that offer help and guidance for your loved one. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides services such as counseling or support groups. Call The National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get a referral to one of these programs near you. Offer to go with them in support of them. If they have to go to law enforcement, court, or lawyer's office, offer to go along with them for moral support.
Remember: You CANNOT rescue them
It is extremely difficult and hurtful to see someone you love and care about get hurt. But ultimately, staying or leaving the relationship and what they want to do in regards to it is their decision to make. It's important for you to support them in whatever it is they decide and to empower them & help them find a way to safety and peace.
If you're reading this post and know of a loved one who is being abused that you want to support and help, you are amazing and a strong support system. Taking the time out of your day to research how to help your loved one speaks so many caring and loving levels of you. You and your loved are not alone in this. There are a plethora of local and national resources that offer support and guidance to your loved one being abused. And where there are local and national resources that offer support and guidance, there is also you - someone who truly cares for them and someone personal to them.
If your loved one is an abusive relationship and you want more information as to how you can support and help them, visit: http://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/ , http://www.loveisrespect.org/, and https://www.domesticshelters.org/ or call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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